Break it down Mofo

Hello , I am a magician. Not your Crowley type sitting around with funny hats and chasing naked women around. Nor am I the type at kids parties spangling waist-coat type. More of a card trick type of magician.


The first trick (magicians get arsey and call them effects) was a terrible long drawn out affair, with four jacks being burglars. I can’t remember how to do it now, maybe for the best. But from there I learnt all types of magic ; mind reading Derren Brown style, making cards appear at my finger tips, dicking about with coins, napkins, a metal cup and a ball.


Then I found the esoteric world of the con man. I dedicated great swathes of time learning; dealing cards from the bottom of the deck, the second card of the deck, cutting the cards and keeping the deck in order, stacking while shuffling and even dealing the second card from the bottom. Most people in the magic world would tell you that these are difficult moves to pull off. And yes I did spend years learning them until I could do them.


I am not telling you this to show off , quite the opposite. I have rather small hands and stubby fingers so it took a while to learn.


The problem is all these hours of practise, I don’t enjoy showing these skills off. I use them as a meditation. It not really my thing to show my skills to the lay public and most magicians find the skill set boring.


But it does show that if you put time and effort in to something, you may become proficient. The easy way to do this is to break down each skill down. To it’s key parts.


I learnt to juggle, the prescribed way. To juggle you need one ball, you throw it hand to hand in an arc. Once you are comfortable with this you add a second ball, throw one ball then the second. Then you add a third ball. You break it all down and after awhile you are juggling. My brother decided steps one and two wasn’t juggling and took 3 balls. He did discover the law of gravity that day, but he didn’t learn to juggle.


So imagine if a problem you have, or obstacle to overcome, what then? Well you have the meta problem. That’s probably the nucleus of a lot of smaller problems. So if you work out the small things. The larger part don’t seem so daunting.


Things are only as difficult as we want them to be. If we manifest difficulty we end up with difficulty. After all you can spend 20 minutes moaning about something , or you could use that 20 minutes to overcome it.




Finding yourself….

Speaking to a friend of mine, she stated that she “Needed To find out what she is”

“Simple” was my reply “You are a woman”
“No, who am I?” Came her return serve.

“You’re you, now stop moaning and get on with it” I said.


This got me thinking, why do we spend so much time, searching for ourselves? When really we know who we are. We can improve ourselves, change ourselves in a number of ways. But what are we searching for, in ourself?


She then went on to talk about how she use to like a certain type of music and taking photos of cars. Again my answer was, well why don’t you do that now? She said she didn’t know.


If you have “lost your self” through not doing something you enjoy. Then why not just do it again? Or maybe it is because it is all about denial. Humans seem to be self destructive in many ways. Usually by ceasing to do the things we enjoy, listening to outers and thinking what others may think of us.


So if you are lost it seems easy enough to find your self doesn’t it? A lot of people will speak of a spiritual journey and other forms of Western mysticism, but they all ways seem to be on the journey and never arrive. Maybe because they over complicate it. Maybe they are “too intelligent” to find it straight away. And they need to tell you about XYZ, the yoga they took , the books they’ve read and the guru they ultimately allowed to open their mind in India. Nine times out ten that’s achieved by opening their legs.


After all it might sound great to say; I read ten thousands books, met a guru in India, you simply must go, I had a true spiritual awaking. Than saying “I found it, it was under the bed all along”. It might not give you a story, but it will save you a lot of time. So next time some one tells you that they have started a “Journey to find myself”. Ask have you looked under the bed?

Ban this sick filth

During the 80’s the establishment didn’t like horror films. They even had a list of ones you couldn’t watch. During the 90’s it was Rap and Rock music with them swear words in. You know the ones , if you use them the moral fabric of the world will rip apart. In the early 2000’s they was after the computer games. Didn’t like the computer games no sir.


The idea was , the public at large were unhinged and would go on mass killing sprees due to being brainwashed by the media. The government took the population for idiots and they was wrong, go us. Actually studies show if someone is unhinged enough to go on a rampage they will do it any way :


So as we move along the 2000’s the government have decided to : use an opt in for porn on the internet. That’s right you have to ring someone up if you want to watch porn. Now before you all get on your high horses and tell me how bad porn is, if you read this blog you know :


  1. Freedom of speech and expression is something I hold dear.
  2. Censorship is wrong for the mainstream, there is stuff that should obviously be banned.



Porn is not the point by the way. It is the censorship that is the problem. How long before certain books are banned? Orwell’s prophecy that was 1984. Or V for vendetta? You may like or dislike porn, but people have to be free to watch what they want. How long be for Eastenders becomes a big government propaganda piece? Or banned.


Freedom of speech and freedom of expression is what we need. Before we become North Korea.


Explore your own ideas on censorship. How long before movies, games and music are again are cut to ribbons, by the moral police?


What are you chasing ?

What are you chasing? The correct answer should be happiness and that happiness shouldn’t be measure of wealth. It should be a measure of well being.

Money wise I do ok, I skirt around being middle class I don’t earn huge amounts but then again if I want a take-away I order one up or a new pair of shoes I go to Clarks. I’ve never been money motivated and am still not. The more I earn the more I get depressed. It is not some kind of social injustice switch in me, far from it. I am not sure what it is :

I’ve been happy poor and miserable rich”

Think about that above quote. For me it’s true , now I am earning it doesn’t seem too great this having money lark. At school it’s an onslaught off “you must do well” , “get a good job” , “It’s no good being poor” and why is it not? Look at celebrities all the money in the world and they go off the rails. Because deep down they enter a form of melancholy that their money can’t buy them out of.

We can chase the next pay increase and what do we want after that? Another 5k and what do you sell for that? Deep down you know , you are selling your time. That time with your wife or your kids. When you are on your death bed from chasing the dream of money you will wish you didn’t spend the long cold nights in the office because ; Dave from accounts wanted you to do over time. No you will think “fuck if only I could have ten more minutes with my wife”. And all because you wanted money and not real happiness

Once we chase the money , we have sold-out we stop becoming us. Even if you have the things in life that makes you happy how much time do you get to do it? You work 40 hours a week and spend two playing guitar or whatever makes you happy. Is that a fair trade off? Of course not but you do it.

Find yourself a job that gives you the time to be happy. Or you will end up spending great swathes of time being depressed. Work to live don’t live to work. Chase the thing that makes you happy otherwise you are running the wrong way all your life.

Rule number one of life , is you are going to die. Accept that and you will find what to chase. Bentleys, big houses, the latest iphone , handbags or must have lipstick. Wont make you happy because if it did why do you buy the next one when it comes out? Chasing money turns people in to nasty horrible zombies. And you don’t want “Horrible zombie” on you tombstone

What makes you wealthy is not how much money you earn or your posessions it’s how few people call you a cunt during your life. And how happy you are.

Love of money is not the root of evil, but it can be the root of misery.


I was in Wood Green the other day. For those of you who don’t know what or where Wood Green is ; it is a large area of north London. Filled with £1 shops and a large mall that straddles the road. Deviate of the main strip and it becomes a warren of terrace housing and crime. Think of Vegas done of a budget of £1.50 and you get the idea.


The religious were out in force when I was down there. In front of this gleaming bastion of capitalism faith was heavily represented , all on a drive to attract followers.


If you are regular reader of the Markdini blog it might become apparent I am with out a region. To me no religion offers what we as human beings need : Freedom. Once we join a religion we become subservient to that religion and that’s not for me.


True freedom is a commodity that we are losing in the west. Certain parts of free-speech in the UK are being removed in case you upset a religious person. When we should have tighter controls on what the religious say. I am not one to jump up and down behind my copy of the Daily Mail and say the brown people are taking over, this would all be better with more Church of England churches. One they are not and two it wouldn’t.


But we are losing the right to offend people in the UK especially if you offend religion. Some parts of the world you can’t speak out about anything. This is why it so important to keep it in the west. Before it’s gone.


If you are a non-theist like myself the religious can hurl all sorts of insults

at you. “You will burn in hell” etc. But if you shout back “Leave them choir boys alone” they take offence. It has to be two way street after all what happened to all that “turn the other cheek” stuff?


Don’t be subservient to a religion. Be your own god as countless philosophers have taught us. Be nice to people, don’t be a cunt and enjoy life. Speak out when things are not fair and try not to kill anyone. You don’t need a book to be reminded of this or a place to go on Sunday. Most of us have this hard wired in to us already. Be strong don’t turn the other cheek if someone smites you. There are a lot of shitty people out there deal with them the best you can. That’s a real belief system.


You can believe what ever you want. You can call me anything you want for not following you. But don’t get offended when I call you names back. After all aren’t you suppose to turn the other cheek?


If we allow the UK to turn back in to a true religious country then we are all fucked. Remember Cromwell. Be your own god. Enjoy life. Do what you want to do and don’t impose your views on others.




Do you remember when you was in school? You was going to be something , wasn’t you? Did you make it? Are you doing something you hate, living a life you don’t want to?


The answer to the above is probably yes. But why ? Why didn’t we achieve them goals? I think for the most part it’s easy. We started with large goals and then made them smaller or moved them altogether.


The problem with most of us is we are lazy we have a put up with attitude. That’s why we get trapped in lives we don’t deserve. We might be heading for a goal and then something comes up , that is not exactly what we want but , we will take it as a stop gap. And then all your goals have moved and what you want has changed completely. We get hooked on the short-term and end up getting locked in on the long term.


Once we are locked in , it becomes a metaphoric prison. It’s hard to get out of after that. A this will do attitude, is what holds you back. Go for exactly what you want instead. Don’t make do, get where you want to be or need to be. It’s your life why put your self in prison?


Some people will tell you we need people to do manual labour , empty our bins and clean-up after us. Quite frankly these people who say such things are snobby middle-class cunts. If that is what people are happy with, then let them do it. What we need to do is remove the stigma or certain jobs and celebrate a work ethic.


If that’s your goal to be a cleaner then go for it. If your goal is to be a doctor then go for that. Go for your goals don’t let the smaller stop-gaps move you off what you want. Get where you need to be. You only live once don’t let your self spend it being depressed and never achieving what you want.

3 ball Zen

I like to juggle. I am not good at juggling and I can only juggle 3 balls , in a very basic pattern. But I like to juggle none the less. Juggling is a useless skill, for the most part, the idea of keeping 3 objects in the air doesn’t seem a useful skill at all.

Throwing 3 balls about may seem to others and maybe even you, a waste of time. I would agree it doesn’t achieve much. But it leads to a moment of connection. When you are throwing 3 balls up in to the air and catching each one there is a physical connection as well as mental connection.

There is a moment, a rhythm , a fading out of my surroundings and a thud of each ball as I catch it. This leads for me a me a Zen like moment. I am connected to everything and nothing at the same time. It is a strange concept to put in to words but that’s as best as I can describe it.

For this Zen moment I like to take at least 5 minutes of my day to connect. I get a sense of achievement and a mood bust all in one. Of course when I drop the balls I lose this connection, but I have got in to the moment enough to be “one” with what I am doing.

Now I am not going to tell you, juggle life will be great. It wont we both know that. But what I am saying is find you juggling. Be it , a performance art, martial arts, writing or anything else. Find that one thing, or two or even 3 that you can find your Zen moment in. Play with it and enjoy it. Then add a more difficult element to it and then you will find your moment again.

Do something you enjoy each day no matter how long your day as been. You are never too busy to improve yourself. Find that connection and take that buzz and use it for something you can channel it for.